umma, take 5.

When Luca-bear has a tough time sleeping, the hubs or I will carry him on our backs and walk up and down our street until he falls asleep. This has been a go-to since we became parents. It happens less frequently these days but it still is a lifesaver on days Luca is more restless than others. Fortunately after our recent trip to Disneyland, our little guy started to sleep better due to Mickey induced exhaustion and just last week he slept through the night for the very first time since being home. It only happened twice since then but it’s a HUGE win on our end.

Last night however, we hit one of those crazy restless nights again. We had a fun, long day with friends and Luca was so tired afterward that he fell asleep in the car ride home. When transferring him from the car to the house, he woke up and well…as they say…all hell broke loose. It was one of those moments that all parents probably have witnessed at least once in their lives. When nothing, and I mean NOTHING can stop their extremely tired child from sobbing uncontrollably and all you can pinpoint it back to is the fact that they must be really, really exhausted. I tried everything but learned that it is one of those moments he just needed me to love on him until he was ready to calm down. After some poor negotiations, I decided to try something different and asked him if he wanted me to use his carrier and carry him, facing me. We tried this on day 1 of custody back in February and he did not like the idea of it at all. We never tried it again, but last night he obliged.

lucabear and mama

I looked like an oompa-loompa carrying this huge toddler in basically a sack, but man that toddler carrier is such a God-send. I actually felt comfortable holding him and the only uncomfortable thing about carrying him that way was the stares I got from strangers walking by. It didn’t help that Luca was still sobbing while being held but I could tell it was helping. He rested his head to my chest and I could feel the stream of tears seeping through my shirt. Every now and then Luca would look straight at me and say “umma” (“mom”) and I would reply “yes?” and without saying another word, he would rest his head on me again. This happened several times until he finally fell asleep through his tears.

I walked with him for a while, even after he fell asleep. It felt like we were bonding in another way as he laid on my chest, quietly asleep and I couldn’t help but think about a lot of things; specifically the word ‘umma’. This word usually is the only word that comes out of Luca’s mouth when he has his uncontrollable sob sessions, sometimes even during night terrors. It’s not too often that he cries like this but it’s not an afterthought either. I think over time, the word “umma” has transitioned from crying out for his foster mom to now crying out for me. He used to call her that, up until right before we met him in person, but she taught him to call her ‘grandma’ closer to our meeting instead.

Maybe there is still some sort of remnant of foster mom when he does cry out for “umma” in his subconscious. That, we will never know but for the most part I can tell we’ve come a long way with each passing day. Today marks 5 months of us becoming a family. I know that ‘umma’ is a word that will hold a lot of weight as our Luca-bear gets older and older. From our future talks about his birth-mom to memories with his foster mom…we have a lot of ground to cover over the next many moons together. But for now, I’ll do my very best to hold that title of ‘umma’ with humility and strength for our baby boy. Knowing I do fall into that category for him has become one of my greatest rewards in this so called life.

Happy 5 months Luca-bear. Umma loves you.


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