A few days ago, our social worker called us out of the blue and dropped a bombshell on us. The phone call went something like this:
Hi, Angelina? I know this is unexpected but I had to present this to you. We have a situation where a newborn baby is up for adoption and I think you guys might be the perfect fit. Would you consider adopting this baby?
I’m sorry, what?
She went onto say that she knew the hubs and I weren’t even supposed to be considered as potential parents at this time, but the more the birth mom told her they type of parents she was looking for, the more and more it sounded like us. To makes things even more confusing, once birth mom found out that we had recently adopted our son Luca…apparently it was game over for her. She was set on making this work.
We only had 24 hours to decide if we would be bringing this newborn baby into our lives. The way my head was spinning, I physically started to feel sick and with each passing minute, I felt more and more like I was in a twilight zone. There were so many different thoughts flowing through my mind and the hubs and I actually had a moment when we completely sat in silence.
Why now? Why us? Are we supposed to surrender to God and just trust like I always say we should do? If we weren’t meant to be this baby’s parents…why would we even be in this situation? Are we being selfish if we don’t do this? How can we say no to this innocent life?
The questions went on forever, but the hard part was when we would come up with reasons why we should say no. The guilt kept piercing me in the heart with each excuse and I felt so lost. I ended up reaching out to a handful of girlfriends who let me talk out my concerns. No-one gave me an answer of what I should do (trust me, I asked!) but instead they all kept affirming that no matter what decision we made, they would support us and it would be the right one. I think i needed to hear that. My friends also let me know they would pray and ask God that I would get a clear answer/confirmation of what I should do.
*Side-note: I didn’t get that confirmation…at least not in those 24 hours.
I was a mess. I prayed, cried…got mad at one point because who knows…it just felt like a good emotion to feel through it all. Why not right? I was just given a life-changing notice that would change EVERYTHING in an instant, so yeah…I happily let myself get a little angry. But overall, I was just the walking epitome of the word ‘confused’. The hubs and I tried to see how Luca would react with the idea of bringing a baby home and asked him if he wanted a baby sibling.
His reaction was quite blunt: I hate babies. Well, at least we knew where he clearly stood.
After pouring through so many reasons, we ultimately came to the decision that timing just wasn’t right. Not in the sense where it didn’t fit into our timeline. My husband and I are actually pros when it comes to figuring things out because timing does not usually go our way. But this was different. It was timing in the sense that Luca has only been with us for four months and adding another sibling to the mix may not be the best thing at this very moment for him. The funny thing is, if this exact scenario happened a month ago, we may have thought differently because Luca-bear was showing so much more independence then. As I’ve stated before, his regression and EXTREME clinginess to me has been a more recent thing that hasn’t yet died down.
We made the very difficult decision to say no to this adoption and hoped this baby would be able to find parents who could give him 100% of their affection immediately. I was still feeling the guilt because if we REALLY tried…we could’ve made it work. It would’ve been extremely difficult but not impossible. Nothing is ever impossible. The next day, I had coffee with a couple of the girlfriends that supported me and they helped me ease some pain. I didn’t think of it this way but they said that maybe God presented this case to us not to be this baby’s parents but to be the vessel for others who may want to adopt. Those words meant so much to me because I was harboring so much guilt but it gave me a boost of confidence that we made the right decision for all of us.
Not many people know this, but this was actually the second time that a situation like this was presented to us in less than half a year. I know, crazy…but if anything, it has helped me realize that being open about our journey is in fact bringing some sort of awareness about adoption, specifically Korean adoption. Both times, birth moms were of Korean descent and as mentioned in the past, Korean culture still holds so much stigma over this subject. If we are able to help bring awareness and especially a realness about adoption to even a tiny few just by sharing our journey…then there it is…the reason why we are proudly sharing our story of being parents through this amazing gift.
Luca has always been pretty independent, even when he tries not to be. Whenever I would try to cradle him and hold him like a baby, he would quickly shift positions and that was that. Falling asleep on my back…that is acceptable in his book but holding him like a baby? That would require complete humility on his end, admitting that he is in 100% baby-mode and well, Luca-bear is just too cool for that. That was until tonight. Luca was crying more than usual when I put him to bed and wanted me to hold him. After calming him down, for some reason I decided to cradle him and we stared at each other…albeit it was a little awkward. I don’t think either of us ever felt this vulnerable to each other before and we connected in some weird way that I cannot explain. As if I was telling him you are my baby and I am here to comfort you 100% because I know you need to feel this love right now. He silently obliged and after some rocking back and forth…for the first time ever, he fell asleep in my arms.
For me, that was my confirmation…that everything was going to be okay. And for some reason, the fact that this came after our decision was already made, made me feel that no matter which way we chose…it would have worked out. I think that may have been what God wanted me to trust and hold onto all along.
*I am happy to announce that another potential family for that precious baby is already lined up. Praying for that baby and any other child who is in need of a forever home.