Last week sucked. I mean, there wasn’t anything crazy that happened in particular but it was one of those weeks that kept getting harder and harder with each day that passed by until I couldn’t do it anymore…I couldn’t ‘mom’.
Now don’t get me wrong, Luca-bear is such a fun little guy and for the most part we have better days than not…but last week, the hubs and I were trying out a new work schedule for him (no bueno!) and were also running on very little sleep between us. On top of that, Luca has been in his ‘no’ stage for the past few weeks, so it was the perfect storm for mommy mayhem to unfold.
I’m used to days consisting of my son literally handing me his boogers over and over again or suddenly hiding from me if I tell him we are running late for an appointment. It’s become a norm really. But for days when your patience has run dry and your zombie-mode status has hit an all time high…these ‘norms’ seem more like HUGE DEALS and all I want to do is lay down on my couch and tell Luca, “Sure, go ahead and eat your snacks for dinner tonight. Whatever you want…another gummy bear? Why not. Just please give me a minute to myself.” In which that usually doesn’t happen and ends up with a more than usual talkative Luca calling out: “mom? mom? mom? mom?….Here’s a booger.”
The final straw was toward the end of the week. Again, nothing too crazy but I asked Luca not to touch something he wasn’t supposed to. Him being the ultimate jokester, responded with “this?” (knowing what it was but pointing next to the object). Then again, “this?” (points to another object). “This?” (points to yet another object). And then I lost it. I looked at my husband and said, “I can’t do this right now! I need to leave!”. I think he knew the seriousness of my voice and just said “Go, I got this!” and so I walked out the door and did just that.
I had no idea where I was going but I got in my car, called my BFF and started to drive. Thank goodness she answered the phone. An amazing mother of three, Susan has been my best friend for decades. I started to vent nonstop until I actually began to cry. I felt like a failure of a mom. Knowing this is a stage for him, I kept saying Luca is only three and still adjusting and kept feeling the guilt pounding on my heart. As I was telling Susan about all of this, she did exactly what I needed her to do…she listened. She didn’t judge me or tell me “you’ll be fine”…but instead she told me that she went through this too with her kids and understood exactly how I was feeling. Man, that commonality was such a huge gift. Her kids are so sweet and well behaved that I didn’t even think she went through moments like these with them. As a mom, she is one of the ones I look up to and for her to let me have this raw moment of NOT being okay is what ultimately made everything okay in the end.
After our talk and relaxing for a couple of hours, I headed back home. Luca and I went on a walk that night and had a really long conversation. Whether he understood everything I was saying or not, I don’t know…but I made sure he knew how much I love him and that I will try to be the best mommy I can, even when I’m not. Mommyhood still has its tough moments but giving myself that little break to be honest and re-group was just what I needed and I felt a huge burden come off of my shoulders.
I’ll be happy to report that Luca still feels confident enough to hand me his boogers on the daily and things are back to ‘normal’. I’m learning that being a mom does require a lot of sacrifice but it doesn’t mean you have to self-sacrifice your entire self. I still have a lot to learn but am hoping that if anyone else has had any of these moments, you can confidently know that you are not alone and just as my best friend helped me understand this: It’s okay if things are not okay. Perfection isn’t motherhood and motherhood is definitely not meant to be perfect.