We received FINAL APPROVAL! When I received notice, I didn’t know how to feel. It was a rush of emotions all at once knowing we finally made it. All of this waiting, paperwork, crying, praying, stressing…everything had boiled down to that moment on January 20th when I opened the email notice. The reality is, everything during our entire two years of this process has been a pretty big mess really. Til the very end, almost every detail has not gone accordingly. The hubs and I even have to laugh about it because it’s almost expected now. We are still awaiting our actual custody date because we had to push it back for a couple different reasons. I won’t get into that here because it’s the last thing we wanted to do, but thankfully it shouldn’t be too much later than our original date given.
What has gotten me through besides the incredible support and love from so many has been my faith. As unfaithful as I can be sometimes, God’s faithfulness for me has been so consistent. I can get wrapped up in my own head a lot of times, trying to figure out timelines and what-not (hence the ulcer!) but whenever I turn to Him, I am reminded that things are moving the way it’s supposed to and to just trust. Luca has been so loved by his foster mom and foster family for his entire little life and I could not be more at peace knowing that through this storm, he is loved.
I’ve been listening to sermons online on days I couldn’t make it to church out here. As some of you know, I dubbed myself as a “closet Christian”. It’s not something I’m proud of but something I’ve been trying to really think about and even challenge myself on. I call myself this because I am shy about sharing my faith and experiences with others but through this adoption and my love for Luca, I have been able to find more of a voice (albeit it is through writing but you know what I mean). Personally, I have been learning more about my troubled relationship with God while preparing to become a mother to my baby bear. The struggles have been real, but so have the blessings. I am not a fan of saying that word “blessing” because I used to think it was such a cliche a lot of times but even through the mess this experience has really been nothing short of one. Witnessing the love of our friends/family/community, adoption awareness, and our changing hearts during these hard times are the fruits of our (pun-intended!) LABOR!
The running joke back home is that I am able to go to China by myself without even knowing a single person there nor the language, but I cannot make it out to church by myself on days the hubs can’t go even though I’ve been attending for quite sometime now. It’s the weirdest thing but that gives you an idea of how shy I am about my faith. But this past Sunday, I did it…I went to church by myself for the very first time here in Korea. My cousin went with me the week prior but it was so cold that no one wanted to go this time (less than 15 degrees by the time I left!). But I knew I had to be there that day. I’ve been wondering a lot lately, ‘what does God want from me, as his daughter?’ because I’ve been wondering what Luca would want from me as his mother. And the only answer that kept coming into mind was LOVE. Many times I ask for God’s love and grace upon me without ever giving Him mine in return. Now that I am becoming a mom myself…I can understand the unconditional love He has given to me over my life even when I didn’t realize it and can only hope Luca-bear knows how much his dad and I have loved and pursued him over his life as well.
Yes, adoption is not conventional…but it is intentional and powerful. We are so blessed to become Luca’s parents. As I learn to become more of a daughter in Christ, I hope to make Luca proud to call me his mother. I was meant to be his mom in this crazy, twisted and confusing way…and no matter what anyone says, he is my REAL son because God’s blood is thicker than water.
This song from service spoke so much to me, find it here: https://youtu.be/xLSDBG1OcGE